Although I have an obsessive personality, I do not have an addictive personality so smoking has never stuck with me although I’ve taken up smoking a few times for no longer than the timespan two packs of cigarettes lasts (two cigarettes a day at the most). I have a terrible oral fixation. When I get nervous or anxious, or feel any negative emotion, I have to start biting. I have this thing called dermatophagia, which is a form of OCD. What I bite is my fingers and I’ve been doing so since I can remember. It’s a disgusting and very painful habit that I’ve tried quitting many times and I’ve yet to succeed. I’ve gone to therapy for it and although I received services from a great woman with a great future, and great insight, I still couldn’t quit.
I have terrible anxiety about 70% of the time and obsessive thoughts that trigger it. I pick up an idea and it never leaves my head until I perform a “ritual” or I simply forget about it with time. Yesterday, I couldn’t sit down on the toilet to pee because I kept thinking a snake was going to crawl out and bite my ass. I sat down and got back up three to four times. Although I’m not Catholic or Christian, if a negative thought about family or friends dying or getting hurt comes to mind, i have to do the sign of the cross three to four times until I feel the thought wash away. I don’t like shaking hands and lately the fear of a widespread infection has been freaking me out. I’m not as bad as I’ve seen some patients at work be, but the biting is the one thing I wish I could quit. I’m usually hiding my hands from strangers. I can’t get a massage in peace because they always have to fucking massage your hands even when you ask them not to. One time, a Chinese guy was massaging my hands and then asked if he was hurting me. I told him, “No, dude. I seriously can’t feel shit there.” It’s gotten to the extent that my right thumb has lost about 60% of feeling.
Which leads me to the part where I mentioned smoking. I’ve been suggested suckign on candy instead of biting. I don’t like cavities or diabetes, so that’s out of the question. As much as I bite, to replace that, it would take about 2/3 of Willy Wonka’s fucking factory to satisfy me. I’ve bandaged my fingers and it helps them heal, but as soon as they’re better, I just do it again. I’ve used a rubber band around my wrist to snap instead of biting, but really… biting has only strengthened my pain tolerance so a rubber band isn’t going to do much. Smoking at least gives me a sense of euphoria that lasts a few hours. So now I have to think about whether I’d rather get cancer or fuck up the nerves in my hands and never write again? Yeah, I’ll go for lung cancer.
twentysomething Steph 